I’d rather not approach this post-show reflection from an outsider’s perspective. Attending with admiration, my aim wasn’t to testify the presumption or creative effectiveness.

“ItSelf TerJadi” is an experimental performance exploring memories, feelings, and thoughts. Throughout, the performer used text, song, movements, and multimedia, often sitting in pajamas and warm socks, presenting a genuine, intimate life story, joie de vivre with moments of rationality, emotion, and humor. Or to be specific, a latest version of her after her encounters with mastectomy during the pandemic. I find the term “Performing Marion” in my mind echoed the essence of the performance that I witnessed.

everything is fact, not fiction.
everything is random, as thoughts flow onto the screen.

Observing this artist who pioneered the Malaysian dance scene, reshaped my understanding of dance and constantly pushing our boundaries, despite her ageing and slender frame, she navigates the black box with powerful presence, prompting contemplation of bodily limitations and the boundless nature of (theatrical) space. Her performance deviates from the ‘not me’ notion and embraces realism. She seems unconcerned about meeting performance standards, just like her statement, “I’m not sure what this is. is this performance?” I’m as well more intrigued by her life story and wisdom.

when it’s not about you, it’s not about you.
learn to be in control. But why? why must I be in control?
it’s a time of transformation. we are all transforming.
you normalize.
no, you don’t. you never normalize.
i was going to explode with stress, so I forced myself to de-stress. stress fatigue did it.

A typical Marion-mindset that I like & miss. Perhaps I’m also revisiting my past and contemplating the present and future as I watch. Yes, I’m still googling for translation when reading her subtitles, the learning mindset is just like an auto-pilot whenver I encounter her.

Watching someone’s performance is never a one-way process. (To some like us.) The story’s outline projects onto the listener’s mind, not the narrator’s.

We can’t fully grasp the emotions of a widowed, childless, almost 70-year-old facing life’s challenges. Her humor and optimism gently remind us of life’s uncertainties (clarity of desire is a good thing. to have peace of mind). Any critical thinking will be overly harsh in this space. The performance, though not sentimental, brought tears to my eyes.

“I am turning into my mother” she says. But who isn’t?

Unexpectedly, the scent of her perfume captures her profound longing for her late husband, surpassing the impact of her lonely dance. I finally sense Krishen Jit’s essence through her shared perfume, transcending time.

Her memories of her mother, recollections of her husband, and personal reflections are all deeply moving, making us ponder, “What truly matters in life at this moment?” It seems like she’s put forth a life question, engaging in critical thinking ahead of time when she can prepare. I remember times when she jokingly saying, “I think I can die now”, often in her moments of complete satisfaction. I believe that reflection on critical questions sometimes isn’t just about exploring various possibilities but capturing that moment of eternal correctness, absolute truth, even in its blurry and clumsy state “now”. In contemplating the unknown, we discover more of ourselves. Isn’t that so?

If a performance is a process of presenting the ‘not’ or ‘not-not’, “ItSelf TerJadi” may not qualify due to its bloody direct, truthful contents. To perform or be present, in theatre, the latter aligns with my intention of joining the crowd. From “ItSelf TerJadi“, I saw the most purest presence of the conceptual – performance.

So when quiet is too quiet, we shall sing and dance.

<ItSelf TerJadi> 08.12.2022 (Fri) 8.30pm @ GMBB

Notes: Italic texts were extracted from the performed script (copyright ©️ 2023 by Marion D’Cruz).
Click HERE to view script in PDF.